I used to love this time of year. I mean, I still love it, but it is also a reminder of a horrible time in my life.
I went through serious postpartum depression last summer and fall after having my second child. It was so bad that I was hospitalized.(By choice.) A month after being hospitalized, everything went from horrible to horribly horrible. Slowly, but surely I got better and have been better for a little under a year.
Even though that has all come and gone I am coming up on a day last year that I am more ashamed and horrified by then any other day in my life. I know that I was sick and not of sound mind, but as this week has approached, I have been having bad flash backs and triggers of this day. Even now typing I have tears streaming down my face because I hate that it even happened.
I am normally one that tries to stay up beat and positive about trials I have gone or go through. I know that I am who I am because of them. I am all about speaking out and not being ashamed of our ailments and things that we can't control. This one though...I know for a fact that I wasn't in control on this day. I know for a fact that my postpartum had completely taken over. I know that if I could go back and change this one event in my life I would in a second...faster then a second, but I can't. I can't stand that I can't just let this go! I want to so badly. I have been depressed and anxious for almost two weeks. Sleeping is a thing of the past, along with a normal heart rate. It is all because I haven't forgiven myself.
It has taken a lot of therapy and people not giving up on me to have come out on the other side of postpartum. I know that I am a blessed and loved women. I need to learn to apply my rule for forgiving other to myself. "It is okay to forgive without having to condone." (It is an alarm on my phone that pops up at 10 am everyday. At 12 it is "I can do hard things." ha ha ha) I can hate what happened, and still forgive myself. It is just something that is going to take time. At least I am aware of it right? Ha ha ha!
Lets move one shall we.
I couldn't think of anything knew or exciting to write about because of all the other feelings that where taking over my brain and heart. I was starting to get discouraged that I was letting my emotions take over so much. I was sitting in front of my mirror and I picked up a makeup brush and just started doing what I do every time I try out a new look or just practice a technique. I sat there and then took a picture of each step.
I make crazy faces because you guys normally don't see these pictures and I don't like taking myself to seriously. (Yes, I just came from the gym and smelled awful!) After I am satisfied with what I have accomplished, I hop in the shower and wash it all off. (I seriously do this about 3 to 4 times a week.)
After the shower I put that same look, if I liked it, back on my now clean face. Once it is back on I head to the my living room with my phone and stand in front of the window with the best lighting.
This is when the selfie taking begins...
and then...
more and
more selfies!!!
Once I am done making myself feel self conscience about my selfie game, I sit on my couch and pick my favorite ones that show off them make up, and lets be honest, my face the best. (Ha ha ha! It is the worst! The things I do for you guys. Ha ha ha!)
After I am done picking my favorites and arrange them the way I want them for the blog, I go threw my photos and delete about 100 selfies!! I am so lame! Ha ha ha!
Then when Monday comes around I sit and write. It is stressful and so much fun all at the same time. I love it!
That is it. That is how I come up with and practice for this lovely blog. I know that it was nothing exciting, but I wanted to give you a behind the scenes look. I love doing this for you guys and myself.
Thank you for reading and letting me open and honest, and still have fun at the same time. It is important for my heart and soul.
Remember readers, I may be a jack of this trade, but I am a master of none.
Natalie
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