"You didn't break her, darling." BMM Poetry

Is it really Monday already?  Geeze.  This week has gone by fast and slow all at the same time.  There were moments when I couldn't  seem to catch my breath and others where I felt like I was moving threw molasses. I am living in a nightmare right now and it looks like I wont be waking up for awhile.  I know my family will get through this mess because we can do hard things.  At least that is what I keep telling myself.  I have never been more grateful for makeup.  It has been my escape from reality.  

I have been doubting myself and my talents this last week.  I have been asking myself, "Why do I do this?," and "Does anyone take me seriously?"  My favorite has been, "What is the point?"  I am a pro at beating myself up.  With the last couple of months that we have had, is it any surprise?  

I started noticing that my self doubt was happening more often then not. Then on Thursday I went on Pintrest and this quote was randomly on my wall:

I read these words and it woke me up to what I was doing to myslef. I realized I didn't want people to look at me and think, "Oh that poor dear."  I want people to say these word about me instead. 

I decided to take take back control of my thoughts. I want to come out of this time in our lives stronger.

I made a goal for myself to do a different kind of makeup everyday this past weekend and I had to post a picture on my Instagram (@masterofnonemakeupmom) and Facebook of what I did. I used different eye shadows, fake eyelashes, and just went all out each day.  It was so much fun and even though I was stuck in bed all weekend due to neck and back pain from the accident, I felt pretty and strong.  I took that self doubt and turned it into confidence. (My therapist will be proud of me. Ha ha ha)

Here are the pictures I posted.

 Friday

 Saturday

Sunday

Every time I posted I was gaining back what my self doubt had taken away. Those questions I kept asking myself started to have positive and up lifting answers to them.  

Today was the last day of my challenge.  

Here is what I did:

Yes, I used all of these products.  I wanted to push myself and my creativity. 

Here is how I did it:

When you haven't been sleeping due to pain and horrible nightmares, red lipstick and concealer are your best friend.  I am also learning how to put fake eyelashes on.  Man are they a mess when you don't know what you are doing. 

Nothing makes your face feel and look skinnier then it really is like contouring and highlighting.

Gave myself a healthy glow.

My new obsession ins Urband Decay's Naked line. For this look I used their Naked 3 eye shadow palette.  I used Limit for the base shadow, Burnout for the entire crease of my eye.  Then a mixture of Buzz and Factory for the middle of my eyelid crease out.  They are all simple colors that make a strong impact when everything is blended together.  (Yes Urband Decay's eye shadow palettes are $54 each, but I got all three Naked palettes for $22!  I will tell you how in a later post.)

My new favorite trick to make your lashes look longer: Take a pencil liner of whatever mascara color you are using, (I only use black or brown) and color the lid under your lashes. It helps your mascarra work for you even more. It is scary at first because you feel like you are going to poke out your eye, but you will get over it.  It is such an easy trick that I do it everyday now and it makes such a big difference. 

The results:

I am in love with how it turned out.  I felt so sexy and confident when I was finished.  That is something I need to feel right now and that is okay.  I took back my thoughts and feelings.  I was in control again.  

I am not going to let these trials define me or break me.

  

Remember readers, I may be a jack of this trade, but I am a master of none.

Natalie

"You were pulled from the wreckage..."

Happy Monday.  

I am so blessed to be sitting here writing this blog today.  I am blessed to be here at all.  

Saturday my husband and I were driving home from a fun family reunion in Fort Bragg, California. We were pulling our camping trailer behind us. You know the one my kids and I have been living in for the last 6 weeks while my husband was in Texas trying to take care of everything with our house. That camping trailer. 
I had driven the night before.  I was so tired, so Jared and I switched. We drove a 2012 Nissan Pathfinder. Her name was Aretha. 
I had fallen asleep.  I then heard my my 14 month started to cry.  I started to sit up because I wanted to calm him down so he wouldn't wake up our 3 1/2 year old daughter.  As I sat up the trailer started swaying hard and then harder and harder.  I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew I needed to lay back down.

The next thing I remember was opening my eyes and trying to get to my babies.  With in seconds after our trailer and pulled us over accross three lanes, flipped the car on the passenger side, and then acted as an ancore so we didn't keep sliding to a 75 foot drop, I heard both my daughter and my son call for me and daddy.  I then heard my husbands voice asking if I was okay.  Then I see these hands come into the car and start pulling me and my family out of the car.

 We were checked out my Firemen.  Every time they asked me a questions they stated, "Your babies are fine.  Does your neck hurt?  Your babies are laughing and moving.  How does your head feel?  Your babies are adorable and perfect.  Are you dizzy?"  They knew I was in shock and that I was a mom.  They new that my number one concern were my two beautiful children.  My Husband, myself, and our two children walked away unharmed.
Then the C.H.P. came. They asked if we needed anything.  I told one of them that my kids needed something to eat.  He then went to his squad car and out of his own lunch, brought our kids Gatorade and grapes.  They cleared us.  We then went to get our rental car, Costco to get new car seats for our children and then finally the hospital. 

We were examined, x-rayed, and tested.  We all walked away with a clean bill of health.  We were okay.  We were alive. 

I took pictures of myself throughout the last 48 hours to show the range of emotion I went and still am going though.

 So many thoughts and emotions happened in the first 48 hours. It is going to sound crazy and chaotic, but it is how my brain was and still is.
 
 I went from crying to laughing, to crying again.  I thought of what could of happened.  I prayed to God thanking him that we were okay, but at the same time asking, "What just happened?"  I then went through a moment of panic and anxiety.  That first night I didn't sleep because I was up every 30 minutes checking on my babies, and even my husband.  I was tired.  So so tired, but just kept moving because sitting still meant having to think of the reality of everything.  I then cried some more out of fear of having to still drive home from California to Texas.  My husband and his cousin went to the car and grabbed everything that they could from, what was our home for the last six week, and what was left of my car. Then he showed me more pictures of the car. I lost it because the front passenger door was so smashed in.  The emotions of being alive and not knowing why I was spared and so many have not been.  Why are we not more hurt?  How is it possible that my 14 month old is perfectly healthy and breathing when his side of the car had so much more damage? I then would feel love and gratitude for everyone who called, texted, or left a sweet comment for our family.  I also just wanted to run home and wrap my arms around my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything was going to be ok. I then felt tired again.  I have a feeling we will be feeling tired for awhile.  My body hurt, my mind hurt, and I just want to be home.
 
Now here we are two days later, sore, stressed, and alive.  I had to go through what little was left of our stuff to make sure it worked or that it wasn't covered in glass or anything like that.  I sat there thinking, "Do we just go back to normal life?  Like nothing happened?  How am I supposed to do that?"  Not even 2 minutes later of asking myself these questions did my husband say, "Your makeup made it!"  Tears filled my eyes.  The one thing that always made me feel pretty, less self conscience, and normal survived along with me. Something so stupid and simple brought me joy.  It was a blessing of knowing, "It will be ok. Life is going to be ok."  It really is the simple things.  I then lifted up my chin, got everything organized as best I could, and took a shower. As I was in there I sat and cried as hard as a could as I was trying to scrub away everything that just happened to my family.  Listening to the water so the sound of the tires skreaching and the glass breaking would just stop.

I got out, dried off, and then did something normal.  I put my face on.  I took time, and I put more effort into it then usual.  When I picked up my beauty blender I felt like I could breath for the first time in 2 days.  When I noticed that my favorite blush and bronzer didn't make it I was sad, but then figured out another way to look like I still had them.  Then when I added my lip stick, I felt a smile come to my face.  I felt and looked like me.  

   
My family has been through so much this past year, and yet I can't help but feel blessed.  Even when I know that things are going to be that much harder for us I know I can't give up. I don't have to hold my head up high, but I choose to.  I know that my life is crazy, unorganized, and lately, a complete nightmare.  But it am alive.  My daughter and son are alive.  My loving husband and companion of 9 years is alive.  We are here together and in the end, that is all that matters.

Remember readers, I may be a jack of this trade, but I am a master of none. 

 Natalie